


Something Quite French

by Rae_Saxon



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22439440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae_Saxon/pseuds/Rae_Saxon
Summary: Jack accidentally teleports the Master on board, thinking he's the Doctor. A lot of kissing is happening. The Fam is confused.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 348





	Something Quite French

Good, the Master thought as he was running through the little city of England whose name nobody could possibly pronounce. The Judoon were busy. Very good.

He let himself sink to the ground in the shadow of a hedge, trying to regain his breath after all the running.

Sticking to the Doctor to get his TARDIS back had been... not very successful. She clearly did not have his TARDIS with her and while he was perfectly able to follow her all over England via train... he didn't particularly like it.

He should really just... use her moment of distraction and simply steal hers.

Good. He had a plan then. He waited until she was thoroughly caught up in whatever drama was currently going on on planet Earth (there was always something, wasn't there?), then sneaked up to her TARDIS, grinning in delight as it towered before him, utterly defenceless.

His endless time of endurance stuck on planet Earth... it was finally over. He could escape this dumpster of a world and hopefully, _hopefully_ , find his TARDIS with the Doctor's scanners, as he had no intention of flying with a type 40 for the rest of his lives.

Just when he had laid his hand on the door, just when he pressed against it, desperately trying for it to spring open, he felt himself teleported.

Bloody hell.

How much worse could this period of suffering get?

When the Master got his senses back and looked around the clearly stolen Judoon ship, he decided he knew the answer – Very.

“Oh no, no no no no, no! NO!” he shouted, as Jack Harkness – Oh God, why? - stepped closer, a broad grin on his face and his arms spread as if he was about to hug him.

“Come on, you've missed me, haven't you?” he called out with that voice that was so undeniable his, so full of unnecessary flirtation and smugness, it made the Master shudder in horror.

But before he could make a snappy reply, before he could even finish thinking his thought of “How many more times do I have to say 'no'?”, Jack had grabbed him and given him a huge kiss.

The Master froze, then desperately tried to scramble away, his legs thrashing through the air helplessly.

“How are you, Doctor?” called Jack, who hadn't noticed anything about his struggle to get away.

The Master gaped at him in horror.

“Do... do... Doc... are you trying to insult me?”

“What? No, of course not, it's just... been ages and I thought...”

“You thought you'd just.... grab and kiss me?” The Master shuddered again. “Well, maybe don't. Next time. Especially next time. Especially then.”

Somehow, he really didn't want him to be kissing the Doctor like this. Ever.

Jack looked at him in open confusion.

“You're not the Doctor, are you?”

“Of course I'm not the Doctor,” he spit, getting back up from the floor and fixed his coat quickly, trying to regain his composure.

“Then what were you doing at his TARDIS?”

The Master froze mid-movement.

Okay, he thought. Best not give himself away just yet. Jack was pretty much in control here. And he did like the idea of stealing a Judoon ship. Their scans were wildly superior to the ones the Doctor's TARDIS would be able to perform.

“I'm her... companion. Travelling the world and... errr... you know, fixing things. Love fixing things. Was just... getting something to... some tools to... fix even more things.”

Jack's eyes widened, clearly too occupied by the piece of information he had just received.

“You're telling me.... she's a woman? Oh-oh-oh! I _need_ to see that.”

No you don't, the Master thought, rage building inside him. You absolutely don't. Stay the hell away from her with your... your... charm and your gibberish and your... your... lips.

“Yeah, it's just, she's... really busy... with... fixing things.”

It must've been the shock. Usually, he was a far more eloquent liar. He just hadn't expected _Jack_ of all people.

Jack frowned.

“Wow, she used to have smarter companions. Guess she really does miss me.”

He turned his back to him and the Master's hand was wandering towards his TCE with a dark look on his face. But before he could actually attempt to shrink that immortal pain in the ass, he pressed a button with a triumphant “hah!” and another teleport beam set out to transport a clueless victim into his waiting arms.

Or.... four, in that case.

Yaz, Graham and Ryan looked confused, but the Doctor spotted him immediately and stepped towards him in long, angry steps.

He waved his arms about, trying desperately to stop her, to turn her around, but she wasn't having any of it.

“You!” she called out. “Should've known you had something to do with it! A whole planet swarming with Judoon and now you teleported us here! What do you want, huh? What. Is it you want?”

“Doctor!” Jack roared from behind, laughing loudly. “I expect that's you? This time for real.”

The Master reacted on instinct. With a scream, he pushed the Doctor aside and took her place. Jack kissed him hard on the lips (again), then frowned as he let go.

“Can't get enough, can you?”

The Master stared back mortified, until the Doctor stepped back towards them, looking confused, as she tipped Jack on the shoulder.

“Err... why are you kissing the Master, Jack?”

It was Jack's turn to freeze.

“He... what? But he said... and all his talking about... about fixing things.. he didn't actually... but... and I thought... but he's....” He shook his head, trying to regain what little braincells he had. “He's the Master? Really? But he's so cute! What a waste.”

The Doctor looked at him with a dull face that expressed a lot of pity, which the Master simply decided to read as “Touch my husband again and I will knock out your teeth”. He liked seeing things that weren't there, but very much should be. Life was better that way.

Not that he cared about the Doctor. In the slightest.

Jack, meanwhile, stood in the middle of the ship, shoulders sunken and disappointment on his face.

“I really thought... you know one of these days... but he's still around, is he?”

“As you can see?” the Doctor replied with a shrug. “You thought what exactly?”

“It's just,” Jack replied with a side glare towards the Master, who registered with great relief that he was never going to get kissed by him again, “it's just no one really has a chance with you as long as he's around, do they?”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Graham asked, while the Doctor blushed and the Master smiled smugly.

Jack gave him a long-suffering sigh.

“Well, last time I met that bastard here, he enslaved all of Earth and me and my friends and the Doctor and they still... ended up cuddling after.”

Now, “Cuddling” was decisively the wrong word for “The Doctor had cradled his dying body in his arms and begged him to regenerate” but he'd take it, if only for the looks on the idiot army's faces.

“You told us he's an old friend,” Yaz called, and Ryan added. “You said was. Was an old friend. Past tense. No cuddling.”

“Or kissing,” Graham added, and the Doctor sighed.

“Hey. Do you guys see me kissing anyone here? Jack is shamelessly exagg-....”

With that, the Master had grabbed her by the suspenders, pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply – Longer than Jack had kissed him, too, better in every way, for _sure_. When he was done, he let his lips wander down, placing gentle kisses on her neck, biting down, just once, and he saw her blush, then stumble slightly, as she tried to regain her capability to stand.

“Thanks for the lift, freak, I think I'll be off then. Do refrain from kissing people without permission. It's considered rude in most galaxies.”

He was waiting for anyone to challenge him as he stepped up to the teleport console, was expecting them to complain that he had just done the same thing, just to tell them that he had always permission by the Doctor, just to see their faces when she didn't deny it, but instead, they let him teleport off peacefully.

Almost as if nobody wanted him there.

Whistling, the Master let the Doctor's stolen TARDIS key fly through the air, before he caught it again.

That had almost been too easy.


End file.
